My Turn!

Sabira Shelley Marie Stash

Thursday, March 02, 2017

Well, here it goes!  It's my turn.  I've watched so many women go through pregnancy and birth, but feeling it for myself is different.  I feel so blessed that I've been around pregnant women and helped them through this process, but feeling everything for myself is a huge surprise!  Thank goodness I'm part of a few great online communities full of amazing women who did it before me.

As I'm writing this post, I'm 16 weeks pregnant.  I found out that I was pregnant only two weeks after ovulation.  According to standard pregnancy tracking systems, that means that I was only 4 weeks along.  So while I'm not really *that* far along, it feels like it's been a while!

For the first couple of months, I was terrified.  I love reading research and statistics, and so of course I was online every day checking miscarriage rates, for how far along I was at that time.  I know this wasn't healthy, but I couldn't seem to stop myself.  I have wanted to be pregnant since I was 15 years old, and knowing that I could lose the baby at any time was just heartbreaking for me.  My husband was very supportive in this; I would ask him, "Do you think I'm going to miscarry?" and without stopping what he was doing he would say, simply, "No."  It was actually very reassuring.

At around 6 weeks, the nausea began.  I had what they call 'blood sugar nausea', meaning that I had to eat every couple of hours or I would experience strong nausea.  This wasn't a huge problem; the more annoying part was the food aversion.  It seemed like all my favorite foods didn't taste good anymore.  The only things I wanted to eat were cup'o'noodles (I know, I know!  So unealthy!) and crisp, green grapes.  The grapes had to be VERY crisp, with no hint of brown on them.  And if I drank water while eating, I'd throw it up.  And the smell of seafood? EW!!!  Stomach came up.  Throwing up . . . so fun.  I've actually only thrown up maybe a dozen times up 'till this point in my pregnancy, but over half of those times were in the middle of the night.  Which brings me to . . . insomnia!!

I've never been good at sleeping.  My husband is a gentle snorer.  If I were a deep sleeper, it wouldn't matter at all.  But since forever, and especially since pregnancy, if I happen to wake up it's nearly impossible for me to get back to sleep again.  For my first trimester, I would regularly wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning, and stay awake until 4:30 or 5am, when I'd drift off only to have my work alarm wake me an hour later.  So yeah.  That wasn't fun.  Eventually I found an AMAZING cure that has me sleeping through the night better than ever before, but more on that later.

While the insomnia and nausea were awful, they were NOTHING compared to the crazy hormones that I've been experiencing since week one, and am still experiencing.

They're crazy and they make me crazy.  I cry almost every night.  Here are a few things that I've cried (no, sobbed) about:

-Cup'o'noodles are unhealthy

-I was tired (this one was like, hundreds of times)

-My husband wouldn't hug me RIGHT NOW

-My husband wasn't hugging me hard enough

-I woke up in the middle of the night

-The peanut butter separated and the oil got on the counter

-The non-separating peanut butter is bad for us

-My toast got burnt

-The vitamins taste bad

-I forgot to take my vitamins

-My husband wanted to come to bed a half hour after me

-My book was finished

-My legs were restless

-I wanted to take a shower but I'd already taken a shower

-I threw up (crying, every time)

-I got a cold and my nose was stuffed up

-I wanted to be HOME but I wasn't

-I had to go to work (crying under desk = fun)

-I'm afraid I'm going to be a bad mom

-My family doesn't live nearby

-No reason.  Just crying.

-I was hungry and tired and didn't want to make food

Those are just a sampling.

And the hardest thing about the hormones?  They haven't really gotten better.  It's easier without the nausea, but I still go home and cry all over my husband about half the nights.  I think it's a combination of exhaustion, being at the end of my metaphorical rope, and feeling like my body is changing and I have no control over it.

That last one always seemed obvious to me: of course your body changes during pregnancy!  It's supposed to!  But for a fairly active person like me, it's very hard to not be able to do the things I've always taken for granted.  I went to my friend's zumba class this Monday, and only made it through a half hour of it before I had to sit down and rest.  Lame!  I wanna be one of those super moms who weight lift through their pregnancies and get their old bodies back a week postpartum.  Yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen.

I feel like I've been complaining a lot.  The truth is, that's what I do these days.  While things have gotten better over the last few weeks, I still feel like I've been cheated.  I expected to love being pregnant.  It's a miracle, isn't it?  I'm GROWING A FRIGGIN' PERSON!!!  But the truth is, it's really hard.  I don't really love it.  I love that I am going to have a baby, but the whole in-between part kinda sucks.

Okay, there is one kinda cool thing.  Earlier this week I was itching my nipple (they itch, what?) and SOMETHING CAME OUT OF IT.  I couldn't stop laughing, I was so shocked.  So, naturally, I tasted it.  It was so sweet!  Apparently, I now have colostrum.  It doesn't squirt out or anything, but it's in there!  Pretty cool.  I ran out to the garage where my husband was working on his car, and told him.  He wasn't suitably excited, so I called my cousin.  We laughed for a while, and it was great.  So far, that's my favorite pregnancy memory.

People say that I'll start liking it when I start feeling kicking.  We'll see, I guess.  I thought I felt flutters the other day, but honestly it could have just been gas.  So we'll see!

16 weeks, still going strong.